1. I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

9. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

10. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

11. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.

14. It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.

15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

16. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?