Instead of mailing your kids letters to santa, she just stuffs them in her bra

She smells kinda like a combination of peppermint sticks and reindeer chow

For christmas, your kids get something called "The Your Daddy SUCKS Doll"

She refers to your bed as "Santa's Workshop"

Paramedics had to use the jaws of life to jar her outta the chimney

When you ask for sex she says: "Not tonight--visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head"